I know I need to be healthier.  I know it in that intellectual way that we know things, and I even think I finally know it emotionally.  I know I have the strength to do it.

And honestly, I positively ache for more than just improved health.  One of my favorite bloggers, Kristin (whose “regular” blog can be found here), nearly made me all weepy with this post at her fitness blog.  I want that.  I want that feeling of power, of living in the very second that I am in at any given point.  My struggle with that is lifelong, and extends so far beyond fitness and health.  I joke that I have a PhD in worrying.  But it’s no joke.  While Al Anon has helped me a lot in this area (and maybe this is one reason why I feel more emotionally ready to really change the physicality of my life), I do still struggle with feelings of anger, bitterness, resentment, guilt, sadness and all that super awesome stuff when it comes to the past.  And I worry much more than a rational person should worry about the future.  I know that this has made me miss out on a lot of things in the present.  It makes me sad to think that this particular personality trait has not only hurt my own ability to live a happy life, but that it has done the same to my children.  And then I enter the shame spiral about the past, and here we go again…

I’m a good mom.  A damn good mom.  And I am feeling this need to be healthier and more powerful.  The need is starting to bubble up out of me and seep out of my pores.  I don’t want to be skinny.  I’ve never been skinny, and it is not in my genetic code to be skinny.  I want to be full of health and strength and power.  I want to push my body as far as it will go, and then push past that.  I want to take that feeling that my lungs have shriveled up into walnuts in my chest, breathe deep, and keep going.

I want to stop mindlessly shoving crap in my mouth, and I want to stop treating the refrigerator like it’s my savior.

I want these things.  And today, I am promising myself that I will do these things.  For me.  I will no longer use asthma or work schedule or parenting as excuses.  It’s hard for me to just leap off this cliff and make this promise to myself, especially since I am so Type A…I want a Plan and a Strategy and Rules to Follow.  But I know the more I overthink that, the easier it will be for me to give up.

What I know is that I have this DVD at home, and I’m going to start using it.  I have heard countless raves about this DVD, and I’m going to buy it today and start using it.    I am going to be kind to and gentle with myself, but I am going to have expectations of myself and I am going to hold myself accountable.  I am going to show my body and my mind the love and respect they deserve.

Advertisements